North America | United States of America (USA) | Great Lakes | Ohio – New Year
01.01.03 (01.02.03) 2:36AM
Ouch! If today was any indicator of what the rest of the year is going to be, I dont think I am looking forward to this year. I spent most of the day curled up on the sofa, with the television running blankly in the background. I would wake up long enough to drain a few brain cells on Comedy Central or MTV, and fall back asleep. There are few things in life more depressing that watching television all day. And it could have been such a productive day. I cant even start with any couldda, shouldda, or wouldda. Good thing the computer isnt recognizing them as words, because I would have suggested removing them from the English language. Unfortunately, I have already begun the year with one. I woke up from the haze and told myself that I had better get off the sofa and at least write my page. I should at least do this, and feel some what accomplished. As small of an accomplishment as it is, at least it is something. The entire day went by, and I kept looking at this half finished Quadrangular Chronicle, and kept telling myself that I needed to finish it, and get it out to the different people, or at least get off of the sofa. I would roll across the room, turn on the computer, and then just roll back to the sofa to detached to accomplish anything. I am hoping that it has something to do with jet lag. Tony said he had jet lag for three days, and I think I may have more of a reality depression than anything else. It is always so hard to return to reality after going off and spending these days off creating your own reality. I was whoever and whatever I wanted to be while in Korea and Japan. That was so much fun. It was so interesting. I was so interesting. At least that is what I imagined myself to be. Now I am back here, with my unfinished homework hanging off of the wall, and my unfinished eBay business stacked neatly in piles. All I did was stack my unfinished book project on top of everything else, and get to disappointed to go another step. I really didnt even know where to begin. The hurdle was to big to overcome. And now what is worse is that I have this almost completed project, sitting here, with the first of the year come and gone, and nothing started. So tomorrow I am going to have to wake up and deal with it. What is worse is that I woke up, and Cynthia was on the phone, and the first thing I saw were the books, so I put one and one together, and said that I should have her write in one. Then when I tell her about it, she laughs at me. Not a normal laugh, but a loud cutting laugh, like a why are you wasting your time on these silly projects laugh. I have some serious resentments toward her for that. She doesnt seem to take any of the personal things that I do seriously. I know they are not the same choices she makes for her life, but should that matter? Are her choices any more valid? So that made me even more depressed, and made me want to lay on the sofa, and not do anything even more. I couldnt find the thing that I wrote that I was going to start the pages off with. And Now what? Am I going to just put them over in the corner, and let them collect dust, like all of my other ideas, like everything else that I start, and am too afraid to finish. If the people close to me laugh at me and find me silly, then what pains could other people bring. I guess those close to me are more capable of hurting me than anyone else, and maybe Cynthia is more willing to hurt me due to the fact that I get sick of her after about thirty seconds. See how this dragon can grow. You hurt me, I hurt you back, and we can continue this until we are both to filled with fear, and to hurt to move at all. No, this isnt the way that I can begin a new year at all. I have asked Cynthia to help me with the book, because she is an absolutely wonderful person. She is more organized and more in control than I will ever be able to be. She is more motivated and more of a go getter than I am, and because of this, I have asked her to write in one of the books. If she doesnt see the worth in it, that is OK. And maybe I should ask someone else, and maybe I will ask someone else, because I think it needs people that are going to take it seriously right from the beginning in order for it to work at all. Namely, myself. Maybe I should note that I laid on the sofa, and watched the entire day pass, while I had this project come and go. Maybe I need to take the things I commit to more seriously. It sounds a little bland but I am going to make that one of my New Years Resolutions. I resolve to make a more serious commitment to anything I partake in. That was pretty empty. If I can accomplish it, then it is really something, but it is one of those that can easily be forgotten by the second week of January. How then can I accomplish this goal. Well one particular would be for me to commit more entirely to school, something I have started, and something I need to finish. I guess that I need to prioritized my life, and put things of importance where they belong. That would be a second way of accomplishing my resolution of, what was that again? Oh yeah, my resolution to make a more serious commitment to anything I partake in. That might involve taking a few of the things that I partake in off of the platter, and leave just one or two of them up there. I need to say real quickly that I got off of the plane yesterday, and spent the evening at Mom and Dads watching the ball drop in New York City. The other think I resolve to do, is make sure that my New Years Eve celebration next year is a little more festive. It is nice every now and then, to sit on the sofa and do nothing, just as long as you remember to get off of your ass, and not let it happen again. My third resolution is to make tomorrow, a little bit better than today.